A few years ago, I decided to bypass actually paying to meet anyone (i.e. match.com or IJL) and went straight to that venerable internet institution for want ads: craigslist. If you know craigslist, you know anything goes: boats to business management, deviled egg platters to DVDs, and if you want company! Well, you can seek a man/woman/friend/platonic/other or you can rant and rave. I've never seen such a selection of stuff. So, curiosity got the better of me and I clicked the "accept" button to read ads from "men seeking women". Should I have worried when I read the next sentence: "Choosing safer sex for you and your partner greatly reduces the risk of contracting STDs including HIV..."? Nah, I was just plain curious.
I searched for men around my age and in my city. The results were astounding. The ads were dated and hadheadlines with a city and sometimes a picture. (Today for example: I LIKE TUBE TOPS - 50, North Pgh.) What an education! Men looking for things that I didn't even know existed or more importantly, don't really want to know exist. Married men, single men, men looking for one night hookups, men looking for ... I don't know what all. I am quite happy to have led a somewhat sheltered life I can tell you that.
By and large, the ads themselves are short such as "need a date tonight - email a pic and let's talk". Sometimes they are verbose, or anger filled or just plain lonely. Many are poorly written and filled with spelling errors. It's astonishing how many men describe themselves as good looking. It may surprise you to know how many men use the word "cuddle". This was posted today: "Suffice it to say I am pretty much the cuddliest piece of manflesh ever known to man." (It sure is entertaining, isn't it?)
So when I read an ad a few Octobers ago that was well written, made sense and seemed "normal", I answered. Within a few emails, we agreed to meet for lunch on the Pitt campus on a Friday afternoon. However... there were a few things that didn't quite add up so I asked him are you employed and are you widowed or are you divorced? His reply was that he was twice divorced with his first wife passing away a few years after the divorce, and his employment was "in transition". (Translation please: UNEMPLOYED - not retired, not in transition, just plain unemployed.) The next sentence was curious, he said he had a "resolvable medical issue" and he would explain at lunch.
Naturally, I told the ladies at work and we wondered what the heck it could be: high blood pressure, broken wrist, a sex change operation? What?!?!?
He said he would be wearing khaki pants. So at 12:15 on a sunny, warm October day in a small park on Forbes Avenue, I spot him. Not only is he wearing khaki pants but a khaki shirt. His shoes are beige; his socks are beige -- my word! His hair and his skin are beige. What is going on!?!?
We meet, shake hands and quickly decide to walk to lunch - as we are crossing Forbes Avenue, he says, "I guess you're wondering what my resolvable medical condition is, aren't you?" I gulp and tell him actually yes I am. He then says, "Well I need a new liver." Without thinking, I blurt out "At least it's not a sex change operation." I explain my theory from the day before -- he doesn't even laugh.
As we are walking, I realize that I am ahead of him and I slow down. This happens two more times before I realize he can’t keep pace with me. He's talking and talking and begins to tell me how he discovered he needed a new liver. Well, this is just way more information than I need or want and I literally put my hands up to stop the story of how much blood was found in his abdomen during the first surgery.
Lunch is marginally better and I can finally, actually take a good look at him. The first thing I notice (besides all the beige-ness) is that he is nowhere near the age of the man in the photo he emailed me. He admits that it was taken 15 years earlier, but hey, wasn't it a great photo?! Then I look closer and realize that all this beige-ness really has a yellow tint and that this is one very sick man.
He gave up his home, his belongings, and his job to move in with his daughter and her family until his medical issue is resolved. Now, I'm no doctor but I can only really see two ways to resolve this issue and neither is appealing to me... transplant or death.
After lunch, I report back to my friends in the office and I wonder aloud: A liver? The man needs a new liver? What are the chances that I would find the one man on craigslist (or even in Pittsburgh) that needed a new liver? Really? And then I wonder, if that were me, would I really be posting ads on craigslist looking for a long-term relationship? Really?
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